魔王的新手教學1

魔王的新手教學

作者：不詳

譯者：貓神官田中方樹






Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord I`ve read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I`ve noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord:

魔王似乎是個不錯的職業選擇. 待遇佳, 加給多而且工作時間可以自由調整.

但是在各式書籍或電影裡面, 魔王們在結局總是會被打敗或毀滅.

我發現無論是野蠻人領袖, 背道巫師, 瘋狂科學家, 或是異形入侵者, 他們每次

都犯下同樣的基本錯誤, 因此, 如果我有幸成為魔王的一分子, 我將會...


1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.

我的軍團將會配備耐熱塑膠 "透明" 面罩頭盔, 而不是遮住面孔的頭盔.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

我所屬的建築物通風孔將會小到沒有任何人爬的進去.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

被我篡奪王位的兄弟, 我將會把他殺了, 而不是囚禁在地牢中某個被遺忘的角落.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

用槍斃來處決我的敵人, 永遠不會便宜了他.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object which is my one weakness.

對於提供我力量來源的神器, 我不會將它放置在不朽巨龍所守護, 火焰之河所圍繞
的絕望山脈. 我會放在我的保險箱裡面, 對於我唯一害怕的東西, 處理方式亦同.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies` predicatment before killing them.

當我的敵人陷入困境, 在我殺了他們之前, 我不會幸災樂禍.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?`` My reply
will be, ``No, just sensible.``

當叛軍領袖用挑釁的語氣要求跟我單挑: "如果沒有部下幫忙, 你該不會害怕了吧?"
我會回答: "不, 我只是很理智."

8. When I`ve captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?`` I`ll say, ``No.``
and shoot him.

當我抓到敵人而他對我說: "等一下,在你殺我以前,你可以告訴我這是甚麼
東西/為了甚麼嗎?" 我會回答: "不" 然後斃了他.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks` time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

當我綁架了美麗的公主, 我會毫不聲張的立刻舉辦私下的結婚儀式,而不是在我
邪惡計劃的最後階段, 花三個禮拜的時間準備耀眼燦爛的婚禮.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push``. The big red button marked ``Do Not
Push`` will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough
to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be
labelled as such.

我絕不會製作自爆系統, 除非真的有需要. 如果非作不可, 啟動自爆裝置的開關也絕
對不會是一個標註"危險, 請勿碰觸"的大大紅色按鈕. 按下標註"危險,請勿碰觸"的大大
紅色按鈕只會觸發陷阱, 把那個笨蛋斃了. 開/關的標示也不會很清楚的標明.


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